Ok all those posts down there with me talking so positively about bettering myself and having more confidence in myself..... They clearly were all bullshit!
I have had one of the worst years of my life. I have lost friends, I have lost family members and part of it is my fault but of course most of it is the other persons fault right!? I mean duh! Oh well clearly it wasn't meant to be. They were not meant to stay in my life.
Ever since I kicked "The Monster" (Ricky) out, I have been on a downward spiral with my life. You'd think by leaving someone who mentally, physically, and sexually abused me would put me back on track and on the up and up!! No! Because of the person he is, a manipulator, a liar, a PIECE OF SHIT! People decided to take his side, as if I did something wrong? I was left in the dust. Certain people who I (thought) were close with, decided the money, the racing, the women, etc. were more important than helping me through not only having to pick myself up from such a terrible 2 year relationship but also having a cancer scare, and being laid off from my job. Thankfully I do still have supportive people in my life who have tried to help me through all of this.
With the way I was raised, I was never taught how to communicate, nor was there anyone ever there to listen to me, which not only does not help the communication deal but also I don't know what to say. Even from someone asking, how are you? how have you been doing? I either joke "Oh just trying to stay out of trouble" or "I'm fine, nothing really new." I do not know what to even say to those questions. To me anything I have to say is never important. I mean of course if its just a random person I'm shootin the shit with, I am not going to just pour my heart out. That would be crazy! And I definitely have enough of that to go around! But anywho, what do I say to someone I've known forever or a family member who doesn't know everything that is going on with me? I have tried counseling but again I don't know what to say. Probably another reason I have not had a successful relationship in my life yet.
At least I do have Wes, and he is great and he tries! We've been together 7 or 8 months and man he has put up with so much of my shit already. WOOWEE! He is such a laid back care free guy I am still very shocked that he has stuck through this with me. I can't imagine living with some one like me having anxiety and depression.
I am so irritable, I could cry at the drop of the hat, I stress over everything, I am so positive one day and the next everything hits me. When will this end? I always thought I was pretty strong and would just brush everything under the rug as I was always shown how to do and it was done. Well I guess all of this is finally catching up to me. So what is next? I never understood depression. I don't understand how you just couldn't be happy. Well depression and I have gotten to know each other pretty well lately and it is not easy. I have no reason to not be happy; I own my own home (have for 5 years now), my car is paid off, I have a great job (thankfully), and I am alive and well. Why am I so unhappy?
So the first thing I am going to start on is my health. Although I only weighed 115 pounds and have since in High School, that is my body type. I love food way to much to not eat it or waste it by barfing that up! But this past year with everything that has happened to me, I have gained about 25 pounds! Yes I know I look healthier but this body is not me. My doctor even said something to me about my weight gain. I have to do something. I have to get my body back and have confidence in myself. So with that I have started the 21 Day Fix and Shakeology program! Today is only the first day but I have heard nothing but great things about this program. So let's see if this is something I can actually continue with! But lord I hope so as this shit cost me $150!!!!
Well, now that I have bored yall with another DEPRESSING post, I will get back to the exciting ones soon! Thanks for reading (if you still are!)
XOXO,
Rachel
Im trying again -- Hi Rachel -- Please know you are NOT alone -- I have been fighting depression for most of my life and im almost 60 --- For the LONGEST time I didnt know what was going on or why -- Ive seen many many counselors and have been on different meds, but this last year -- I have found, both a counselor/and meds that seem to have me in a much better place --- I hope you are able to work thru this -- take it a day at a time, an hour, a minute, whatever it takes for you -- Please if I can help or lend a shoulder, dont hesitate to contact me -- 816 872 9700 (chris)
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